Thoughtful Thursday #318 – Keep Trying

I had lots of problems with posting on my blog for the past few weeks, don’t know what happened but I can’t us Chrome any more. I can only post from Microsoft Edge.

I spent hours with a tech and he kept saying that it was something that I was doing wrong, he would not take into consideration that I have been posting on this blog for many years.

So I tried some of his suggestions and of course they didn’t work. I contacted WordPress again and this time a tech who had much more patience figured out what the problem was, she didn’t explain exactly why the changes occurred but at least I can post again.

In the past I would have given up right away, however now I can be patient enough to see these types of frustrating situations through to the end.

When I can tolerate some discomfort and come out on the other side of it I feel accomplished and that boosts my self esteem.

So don’t give up, do good for your self and keep trying.

The Annual Awakening

It’s here again, Spring. The season of dramatic transformation of icy Winter into the earth warming into Spring.

Gardening tips hit the wavelengths. Seed planting starts. Allergy medicines are back on the drug store shelves. Empty landscapes show a little green here and there.

A chorus of birds singing joyful melodies, worms exiting the once frozen earth. Breeding season. Pink blossoms, yellow honey suckle, red crocus, blue tulips, purple lavender perfume the air.

Humans becoming exercise warriors after a winter of indoor games, picnics in the park, occasional snow squalls. There are farmers markets and outdoor festivals uplifting spirits.

The natural world is resilient, dying and renewing every year. Springtime is a reminder of the earth’s resilience and our own. It’s a time of Spring cleaning and spiritual renewal. A time of hope and new beginnings. Welcome Spring.

Pan and Limerence-Unrequited Love

Pan was a harlot and whore. He ran after anything that brought his own pleasure without returning it. That being said in the excerpt from the tender countenance of Elizabeth Barrette Browning about Pan speaks of her very own passionate unrequited love.

Unreturned love is a painful, long lasting, shame invoking and obsessive thinking, cringe worthy, uncomfortable psychological state that can last for weeks, many years, or a lifetime. Many a murder and permanent destruction of lives has occurred because of unrequited love. Fortunately, and thankfully in our modern times there is a word and definition for it.

Limerence: coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in 1979 is the involuntary obsession of a person. Many people experience this unexpected state of persistent desire for another. Healthy people move through the infatuation, crystallization, destruction phases and go back to normal. Emotionally challenged individuals take longer to recover. Those on the OCD, autism and schizophrenic scale have a much harder time to let things go.

The difference between limerence and love is that love is caring about the wellbeing of the person and limerence is about the uncertainty of the situation.

Limerence is tied to trauma and abandonment and neglect from childhood. Those who experience extreme limerence don’t realize they are trying to rectify unstable childhood family experiences through reenacting them in the present. This repeated reenactment is the minds way of saying hey you better look at this because it is getting in the way of healthy relationships.

How does one overcome Limerence?

Be aware of what you are feeling. Limit contact with the obsession. Prioritize your own self-care. Challenge the obsessive thoughts. Redirect your energy. Avoid replacing one obsession with another. Have a strict no contact rule. Write in a journal. Talk to a therapist. Join support groups. Research limerence and understand how it is playing out in your life.

Note that time will eliminate limerence.

I am not sure if Syrinx in this encounter with Pan ever got the chance to escape the water nymphs turning her into cattail reeds, but Pan got his comeuppance in the sense that he had his own case of limerence. At least for a while until his next desire came along.

Shadow

If I hadn’t been so distracted I would not have rented a remote cabin deep in the Catskills Mountains on the edge of thick trees that whisper ancient stories to one another. I needed to concentrate on my writing.

It was a long drive, over two hundred and fifty miles. Alone and feeling unsettled I arrived at the rustically charming cabin. From the outside it looked cozy, safe, warm. My eye caught a flick of a curtain. I dismissed it because I was tired from the drive.

I opened the door. The creaky floorboards and mournful howl of air from the fireplace gave me goose bumps. I shrugged it off and locked the door behind me just in case goblins or elves were about.

It was chilly and noticed there were plenty of supplies of wood and kindling and matches to start a fire. The sun was setting and the night air was in so a fire would warm up the cabin in no time.

I settled in and began writing with pen as paper, writing the old fashioned way. I concentrate better this way. Trying to focus I felt a creepy, strange, prickling awareness like electricity flash up my back. Glancing up from my paper I could feel someone watching me yet I could see nothing. I froze.

Shadows cast from the raging fire burst onto the walls. One shadow did not move. It was like ink and pulsated and seemed to squirm and twitch. This shadow had no beginning or end. Didn’t bend, it was just there watching me.

Suddenly the shadow dislodged and took the shape of a long, lanky silhouette of a man with morphed edges that were thin and undefined.

I was terrified; it had no eyes, only black holes.

Instantly the air was bitter cold and very dark in spite of the blazing fire. Silence except for the crackles of burning wood. I heard a voice.

“Who are you? Why are you in my home?” it barked.

I grabbed my phone and put the flashlight on and aimed at the figure.

It shrieked as if the light burned it. The figure twisted in agony then disappeared into nothing.

I didn’t sleep, hours passed and dawn rose with a pink glow. I didn’t stay any longer. Whatever that thing was I was not going to hang around to find out.

Driving away I could see a dark figure lingering in the window. Lightly flicking the curtain.

That thing, that dark shadow stained me and would forever be in my memories. A secret, chilling true testament and mystery of the trees that tell ancient stories to one another about dead men with no names and dark shadows of long ago.

Kite Flying

                    Kite Flying

Years ago, on our frequent visits to the beach we would fly kites. This was long before kite flying was banned by the parks department as hazardous.

One time I had a red kite with a long yellow tail. It wasn’t very big maybe about two feet by two feet. Anything bigger would be too much to carry along with our beach gear.

It was windy. So windy that it was hard to launch and hold on to the thin rope of my kite. With the sun blaring on my back and the wind slapping me in the face and my kite zipping and zagging I fell over a seashell. Ouch. I let go of my kite rope and felt the pain in my knee.

I watched my poor kite being taken out to sea blowing heartily along.

I was sad and imagined that sea creatures would lug it back to me. No such luck. The kite sank and was never seen again.

There was nothing I could do but to save my pennies and buy a new kite at the Woolworths.

I lay on the blue blanket under the violet umbrella and took a nap. I felt better when I woke up, dipped my toes in the wavy ocean and enjoyed the rest of the day.

I will have a new kite next time we come here and start all over again.

Bird TV

                              

I live on the third floor and have a wonderful view of trees and buildings and cars and sun. There are tons of birds around, sparrows, starlings, pigeons, crows, geese and an occasional seagull. Seagulls don’t come around much because they are scavengers and head toward the garbage heaps about four miles from here.

Geese and crows eat worms and bugs and don’t like bread too much.

Pigeons are fat and lazy and keep themselves at train stations and odd cement squares that separate forks in the road.

So we are left with sparrows and starlings mostly. There are so many in the winter and less in the spring because in the spring there are loads of tasty bugs to be had.

It is now winter and these little fat birds are hanging around in abundance on the wires and posts and roof tops outside my window.

I get around to feeding these marvels at seven in the morning. At least fifty birds are waiting and another twenty five stop by after the initial feeding frenzy for crumbs on the sidewalk and whole pieces on the windowsill.

Out the window I throw at least eight cut up slices of bread every day in winter for my birdy friends, then I shut the window tightly. Bird TV has begun. My two kitties’ arrange themselves like statues in front of the window and I sipping tea sit at my table and watch the show.

Bobbing and weaving and fighting and cooperating birds muscling around for their fair share of free bread. The kitties try and pounce at the chubby and plump starlings. After realizing they can’t get through the window they sit and watch.

This is our everyday morning routine. Me and my two cats and a show of feathers, wings, little legs and beaks. Brown and black and gold and yellow colors.  Chirping voices remind me of the freedom to fly, the hardships overcome and willingness to be brave.

For as long as I live here, I will feed my bird friends every day and enjoy their entertainment. Tweet, tweet, chirp, chirp.

Usefulness

                    Usefulness  

When I reincarnate I would like to be a cow for a while. A mild cow feeding people and kittens, happily grazing in a lush green meadow until my usefulness ends.

Then I would reincarnate as a teacher of worldly skills. Teaching how to be a good citizen, honesty, integrity, responsibility, respectfulness, self-control until my usefulness ends.

Then I would stay a ghost for a while to elevate souls that are stuck in self-loathing languishing in between man’s energy and heaven. Eons will go by until my usefulness ends.

Then I will arrive on a flesh and blood, mortal world as a human on a new planet to explore. I will not remember my last human life and that is very good. In my blood I will know my ancestors and have their resource to accompany me on journey to my full potential until my usefulness ends.

Again and again, I will endlessly live where I am welcome until my usefulness ends. 

Music and Love

                              Music and Love

In the cacophony of the city existed an unpredicted tune that will bring two strangers together.

In his daily mundane routine Oliver became aware of smooth background jazz of Dave Brubeck. Brubeck’s “Take Five” was sweeping and dancing through the air.

It was raining as he stopped at the coffee shop. This was part of his usual routine and habit. He sat at a table looking around lost in thought.

The barista changed the entire energy of the coffee shop by playing “Moonlight Sonata” by Beethoven. Oliver didn’t mind, he was winding down after a long day. The music unexpectedly resonated deep within.

As he was glancing around, he noticed an attractive young lady. Becca was engrossed in reading at the corner table not noticing Oliver. To Oliver she was familiar. He felt connected to her as if the music had invisible strings connecting them.

Each note became a love language, evoking vulnerability, a spell cast, and wordless words not yet spoken.

At the last chord Oliver found the courage to approach Becca. In this small coffee shop under awkward hellos, raindrops, cascading music, enchantment and mystery begins a serendipitous new love story for two solitary souls.

Leather Shoes

I saw a young man about thirty years old with fancy expensive leather shoes with heels. About one and a half inches at least. He glided across the street, purposeful. There was a slight rustling of wind in his black hair. He looked an ambitious sort.

Charming looking and handsome. Was he off to an important meeting? Did he insist on being traditional rather than an ordinary man wearing sneakers?

I looked around to see if anyone else had fancy leather shoes with heels. No one. Most people wear sneakers these days for comfort and sneakers are inexpensive compared to fancy leather shoes with heels.

Wonder what he did for a living. What was his personality? Are people who wear fancy leather shoes with heels different from those who wear sneakers?

I will never know his story. But in the brief look I had of the man with the fancy leather shoes with heels is a reminder that we can be inspired to wonder about the story behind the choices people make.

Old Friend

I have one friend from childhood. We met when I was 15 and he was 17. We used to play guitar and piano together. His family was wonderful. His voice was like velvet. We had tons of fun, and we were a couple for two years. He went his way, and I went mine.

We reconnected a few years later and the same thing happened.

It’s really strange because for the following years we ran into each other often. We could not get away from each other. We couldn’t be a couple for unknown reasons. But we always kept in touch with each other.

When his Mom passed away, we reminisced about how we all used to sing together. I said my goodbyes to this wonderful lady who really welcomed me.

Every year at Christmas we exchange Christmas cards and each year my dear friend would burn a CD for me of old movies and jazz music and other subjects we were always interested in. One year he sent me an old VCR tape of us at his house on Christmas with our families. I cried when I saw this. We were so happy.

This year I got my Christmas card with a CD and the only words on the card were “It’s been a rough year.”

I do keep in touch with his sister too and she said that my friend is suffering with back problems, blood problems and some other dangerous stuff. My friend does not want to need my help because he has a support system.

We don’t run into each other anymore. We have chosen to remember all the good times, the conversations, the connection we had in these past five decades.

I guess that is how it is when you finally get old enough to realize how much you really loved each other and how it is too late to have a life together.

I will always remember my dear friend and if we are lucky perhaps, we will meet in the afterlife.

Prayers

Did you ever wonder how many people in a crowd are praying? A woman worrying about paying bills and her children. A man in a suit feeling down about a job he is stuck in because he has a family. An elderly person with a problematic medical diagnosis. A parent with a homeless child or incarcerated loved one. A displaced family with nowhere to go. The list of challenges is endless.

Do higher powers really hear us? Are our prayers really answered?

I hope all prayers are answered, I wish for all to be happy. I wish all to be safe and fed.

Prayer is always good; we just don’t know how our problems will work out.

Dear Ancestors and Inner Family,

Thanks for being here, hope you heard my prayers today.

Love, Me.